Beginning today, the Vermont Daily Briefing — in partnership with Rip and Read, and the mighty Neil Jensen of What’s The Point? — will begin bringing you full-scale, UHQ audio satire, under the brand name “Audio Dream Theater.”
Eventually we hope to broaden ADT’s satirical reach: Graphic Dream Theater, Video Dream Theater, anything to keep the evil-doers at bay. Because as always, we slag the rich and powerful in cyberspace so we won’t have to slag them at home.
But for now, the experience will be audio-only. But audio the way it used to be, before there was video. Lush, bold, straight for the jugular.
Our inaugural episode? “The League of Two Extraordinary Republican Gentlemen.” Script follows the player and Neil’s beautiful graphic below.
Script for Episode One:
The League of Two Extraordinary Republican Gentlemen
After losing his parents to a crazed gift wrapping vendor, Jim Douglas grows up determined to cut ribbons wherever he finds them.
[Snipping sound, then Douglas: “And so we bid farewell to another ribbon . . .”]
Using his eerie monotone and solid letter-writing skills, Douglas — along with his youthful ward Brian — forms The League of Two Extraordinary Republican Gentlemen.
Alone, in the Cave With the Golden Dome, Douglas frets over the return of an old enemy — The New England Wilderness Bill.
[Sound of bat wings flapping; water dripping; then a door opening, closing, footsteps]
Dubie: Hi, Dad!
Douglas: Brian, I’m not your father. I’m the Governor. You’re the Lieutenant Governor. Together we make up The League of Two Extraordinary Republican Gentlemen. [Pause] What’s that you’re wearing?
Dubie: It’s a flight suit. Gives voters confidence.
Douglas: Not the flight suit. What’s that?
Dubie: It’s a codpiece. Gives voters additional confidence.
Douglas: Darn it, Brian. Take that thing off. [Sound of clanging metal in the distance as Dubie throws codpiece away] No gentleman, Extraordinary or otherwise, calls attention to his little Speaker Pro Tem.
And we’re in trouble this morning, I’m afraid: the New England Wilderness Bill is back. Which means that 42,000 acres are once again being threatened with permanent wilderness protections. Why, that forest would be closed to vehicular traffic — which would have a devastating impact on the roads there.
Dubie: [Voice a bit scared] But you killed that bill. After the Senate passed it, you used your solid letter-writing skills to bottle it up in the House of Representatives.
Douglas: That’s right. But the House has changed hands, Brian. And the Senate. And a letter does no good when it comes back marked, “Return to Sender.” The Democrats are determined to expand that wilderness.
Dubie: Can’t you use your eerie monotone to stop it, Jim?
Douglas: [In monotone] I’m afraid the monotone isn’t as effective as it used to be either. When your friends control Congress, it’s eerie and devastating. When they don’t, it’s just eye-glazingly dull.
Dubie: [Losing it] We’re all going to die! We’re all going to die!
Douglas: [Sound of a heavy slap, hand on flesh] Get a grip, man! The League of Two Extraordinary Republican Gentlemen doesn’t run from a fight. We just need to be canny. We need to speak the language of the Democrats, until the GOP can get back on its feet. Disguise ourselves somehow, mmm.
[Sound of fingers snapping] That’s it! We’ll fight the Wilderness Bill not as gentlemen, but as gangstas. The kids love that stuff.
Dubie: You mean, like, rappers?
Douglas: You bet I mean it, mister. It’s the only way. We gotta be too hottie to handle. From now on, call me Mos’ Doug. What’s your rap name?
Dubie: Damn! I’ll be The Notorious B.R.I.A.N.D.U. [Pause for thought] B.I.E.!
Douglas: [Frustrated] Can’t you just cut it back to The Notorious B.R.I.A.N.?
Dubie: But how will people know it’s me, then?
Douglas: Because you’re supposed to be notorious, fool! Of course they’ll know it’s you. And that isn’t all they’ll know. They’ll know that it takes more than some historic midterm election landslide to bury Jim Douglas. ‘Cause Mos’ Doug will flex on that Wilderness Bill, and blast if he hasta. No doubt, sucka.
[Hard-Core Rap Music; then Sound of Changing Channels and Breaking News]
News Announcer: This is an ADT breaking news alert. The US House of Representatives has passed the New England Wilderness Bill, expanding Vermont’s protected forest by 42,000 acres.
Dubie: We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna die!
[Sound of Radio being switched off]
Douglas: Fat lot of good that rap lingo did us — that bill went through like spit through a goose.
Dubie: [Still lost in the rap persona] Word up, Mos’ Dank!
Douglas: You know how I feel about slang references to marijuana. You go to your room, Mr. Dubie!
Douglas: So, the Democrats think the force is with them, huh? Well, the League of Two Extraordinary Republican Gentlemen will show them force. No more rap. We’ll use our gentlemenly powers as never before. And we will have our revenge. Jim Douglas swears it!
Voice Over: Tune in again next time, when we’ll hear Brian say —
Dubie: We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna die!
Voice Over: Same audio dream time. Same audio dream channel.
Alex Ball: Sound; voice work
Philip Baruth: Script; voice work
Neil Jensen: Graphics