January 12th, 2012

Rick Santorum Will Never Stop, Ever, Because Somewhere Out There, Someone’s Enjoying Themselves In A Sexual Manner (And You Know Who You Are, New Mexico)

by Philip Baruth

You know, people say that Rick Santorum’s moment in the GOP primary sun has come and gone. People say he’s a one-trick pony, and outside the evangelical circus of Iowa, he’s a non-entity. But people are just flat out wrong. By VDB’s count there are a very full handful of sexual orientations against which Santorum has not yet railed, and hundreds of sexual positions (consider the Kama Sutra alone) against which he hasn’t yet aligned himself. More than enough to carry him through to the Convention, if he rations himself to one or even two positions per state (maybe three for California).

And if it turns out that the anti-sex vote in a particular state isn’t enough to carry him, Rick can always just riff on marriage and beer, which, let’s face it, never gets old. Or his wife can always ask the Holy Spirit to “speak through him,” which is also pretty powerful juju.

Onward to infinity, big guy. VDB’s behind you all the way.

And for those of you who simply can never see this lovely family photo too many times, your day is now made. You’re welcome.

santorum and brood